By Nick Gramger

‘I really needed that rescue call’ breathed Jane, slumping thankfully. ‘That proved to be one dud date.’

Kathy, dependably sympathetic to a flatmate whose ability to date weirdos was legendary, asked ‘What was so bad this time. I made the 19.30 call, and heard you launch into a tale about your beloved dog that had swallowed a plastic toy and you had to get him to the vet.’

‘It looked promising at the start’ said Jane ‘He seemed quite well dressed and his knuckles didn’t brush the ground when he walked. Given recent selections, this one seemed a fair basis for a date. But the first sentence he spoke screwed it up. He said ‘No doubt you are aware that the pub we are in is named after the symbol of Richard II’. Any man who says ‘No doubt you are aware’ is destined for the scrap heap.’

‘I think you are being a bit harsh, Jane’ responded Kathy ‘He was just being a bloke.’

‘Possibly,’ agreed Jane ‘but a particularly obsessed bloke. Pub names were his thing, and he launched into the relationship between John of Gaunt and Richard II. There are lots of White Harts, but even more Red Lions, the red lion being John of Gaunt’s symbol. Then he droned on about York (white rose) and Lancaster (red rose) and the eventual unification of the two factions into a red and white rose and the popularity of the pub sign Rose and Crown.’

‘I do wonder if canny landlords in those days kept a stock of pub signs to indicate support for whichever faction was in the vicinity’ pondered Kathy.

‘Whatever’ Jane interjected ‘with the evening seeming to become a lengthy discourse on medieval English history, I was sneaking glances at my phone to check how slowly time seemed to be advancing toward the rescue call. Edwin – don’t know why I bothered with his name, I will never mention it again – had a speech impediment. Every so often he stopped talking to breathe, so I slipped in a reference to the only interesting pub name I know. Do you remember the pub across the road from the main uni buildings in Egham?’

‘Oh yes’ replied Kathy ‘Nice place, served good cheap breakfasts. And it did have a weird name. It was the Monkey’s Forehead. I never thought about it before. The pub was simply there, and it had its sign outside and that was that.’

‘Well,’ said Jane, very pleased with herself, ’the Monkey’s Forehead allowed me to deliver the knockout blow. I asked him what it meant, and he had no clue. He started googling frantically but clearly was not getting any answers when your call came and I was able to make my excuses and leave.’

‘Impressive team work’ Kathy commented ‘but don’t leave the story unfinished. What does it mean?’

‘Haven’t a clue’ Jane responded ‘and I don’t really care. Anyway, last time I drove past, the name had been changed to the Pack Horse.’Return to Cw3